why it is hard to meet normal mom-friends

http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7148143/

I have met many versions of this woman!!!  Very funny clip

housewives vs the cosmetic counter

I have officially hit a new low.  I have been running low on makeup.  You know you are in trouble when your beauty routine is comprised of a pony tail and barely any makeup.  Lets be serious here....I am no supermodel.  A pony tail and barely any makeup is not "adorable" on me....it is scary.  I used to be a real makeup whore.  I was a slave to those promotions where you spend something like $49 and get a whole bunch of freebies.  My drawers were full of options.  I had time to go into makeup counters and "play" with makeup.   I had different "looks" depending on what I was doing.  But since I have had kids the only I have time to "play" with are cars and trains.  So instead of picking out new looks I have been picking lipstick out of the tube with my fingernail.    It is no wonder that housewive's start to look a certain way.  I was walking around downtown chicago last week with the kids and all of a sudden I realized that I looked like one of those women that I used to pity when I was a working gal!

So when a magazine arrived recently it had various tiny foundation samples stuck under sticker like things on the page.  It was meant to peel away the sticker to get a sample color of the foundation.  Of course I spent the next week using this as my foundation even though the range of colors on the sticker page could not have been a worse match for my skin tone.  To make matters worse I then tore out the $2 coupon and took my three kids to Walgreen's where I selected the makeup in about three seconds flat.  The kids were two aisles away yelling about Silly Bandz  When I got into the car and applied my new $5 lipstick my daughter asked if I was going to a party.  It was 10am and sadly I had no party options.....

just living the dream........

sorry i cant figure out how to flip the video.  just a little glimpse into the wonderful world of a child.   It's not all puppies and rainbows!

One of my friends who I just love dearly told me today that her son called her BOOBFACE.  Of course she was embarrassed but how can you not be a little bit amused.  The hardest part of a situation like that is reprimanding the child without a smile on your face. 

We were driving in the car and my son noticed a birthmark on his twin sisters leg.  He asked what it was and I tried to explain what birth marks were.  She said that she had tried to scrub it off many times but it would not come off.  I explained that most people have a birthmark of some sort.   I then told them that our littlest guy also had a birthmark on his tummy.  When Jack heard this he asked where his was.  In an attempt to tease him I told him that it was on his backside or bottom as we call it.   I said that you have a big birthmark there but he could not see it because he could not turn around that way.  Instead of being mortified he was JOYFUL and said "Oh yeah!!!!!!!  I have a birthmark on my butt.....HOORAY!

The Traveling World Of Reptiles

We celebrated Jack and Emma's 6th birthday with the "Traveling World of Reptiles" coming to our house.  It was really fabulous.  I don't have any funny stories from the day...my face just hurt from smiling and laughing the whole time at the very entertaining guy who was doing the show and seeing the reaction of the kids to the reptiles. 

last year we did a princess party.....this year we did snakes....oh my how thing change quickly

bathing suit shopping

As a woman we all know how BRUTAL it is to try on bathing suits.  So my daughter (almost 6) went with me to try them on.  I honestly don't know what is worse....her comments about my body while trying them on or her incredibly puzzled expression while analyzing my body. 

 

Her commentary  and my SILENT thoughts back at her included the following exchange:

 

• EMMA:  Why do your breasts look like that? 
• ME:  'Like what" I wondered but was afraid to ask.

 

• EMMA: Did I drink from your breasts...that is GROSS! 
• ME:  If I just ignore her, maybe she will stop discussing my breasts.

• EMMA:  What are those spots on your back? 
• ME:  My thoughts back to her...Freckles and sun damage damn you!

• EMMA What are those purple thing on your leg mom? 
• ME:  Damn you and your twin brother for ruining my legs with pregnancy!!!! 

• EMMA: That suit shows too much of your "breasties"
• ME:  Dad would not object

 

• EMMA:  Oh no mom, that one goes in the "NO Pile"
• ME:  I would like to put you in the "no" pile kid. 

 

• EMMA: That suit shows too much of your back and the spots on your back
• ME:  Damn you!  What the hell is wrong with my back??

• EMMA:  Can we go now..just pick a suit mom.  I am bored
• ME:  Shut up!!! Why did I think I was doing a nice thing by bringing her along?

• EMMA:  Mom, i want some icecream.
• ME:  If I had ever refrained from so much icecream I would not be looking at this disastourous reflection

 

I now understand why one should go shopping alone.   And if you are wondering if I did indeed buy a bathing suit...well I did.  It is purple.  All these years of black bathing suits and I am finally ready to admit that black is not slimming.  Purple is not slimming either.  Stopping drinking wine is probably slimming but that is out of the question.  I officially look like that old cartoon character "Great Ape"

I am a suburban renegade

We are fortunate to live in a quaint little town.  But along with this "loveliness" comes certain downfalls.   Recently I was busy getting ready to leave for my trip to NY. I had to take my son to the doc for an ear infection, my other son to tutoring, both of the twins to swim lessons and then to camp. This was all before 1pm....whew.   This was also while toting three kids with me. 

I went to the library to check out some videos for our plane ride.  I bumped some one's bumper while backing out of a parallel parking space in the town library. I checked it for damage and there was none so I left. I was at the dentist two hours and my brand new babysitter (first day) called to tell me that the POLICE were at my house looking for me.   What, the police???  Are you kidding me?  I am a law abiding citizen...I am nice to strangers...I pay taxes and parking tickets...What did the fuzz want with little old me?    I was immediately told I had to come to the police station.   Some bystander called 911 saying that I done a "hit and run" when they saw me bump the car and "flee the scene of the accident."  Let me remind you that not much happens in our town....I guess a bumper bump is big news around here.    Of course I immediately burst into tears in front of the dentist and then headed to the station.  

Fortunately it was filed as an accident. There was absolutely no damage on my car and none that I saw on their bumper but they say my car put a scratch on their hood.   I got the name and number of the person I bumped (do you notice that I keep calling it "bumped" instead of "Hit")   Anyway, I called the woman and apologized on a voicemail.  God forbid I am a Kindergarten mom with this woman in a few years and known as the bitch who hit her car and took off.   Turns out that after reviewing the insurance report it was a FIFTEEN year old Volvo station wagon that I bumped.  I guarantee that she would not have even noticed any damage.  Instead, I just bought her some new plantation shutters with her fat insurance check. 

Come on people.....give me a break.   Gotta love the suburbs!!!!

Marriage 101

I know that raising kids is hard.....but what I did not realize that sometimes husbands are difficult to deal with and sometimes easy.   I have come to realize that these are the things that would make my marriage successful and him happy:

"Full" fridge on the weekends that included lunch meat, cheese, hummus and some salty chip of some sort or pretzels

paper towels in the house located next to the sink

diapers and wipes where they are supossed to be (which is ironic since he never changes the diapers)

My truck not running low on gas so that he has to fill it

weekly sex (at a minimum...his choice, not mine)

the house somewhat picked up when he gets home

Diet coke in the fridge

Despite the fact that I know all these things are true I often fail to accomplish them. Any of these things not in place can put him into a tizzy and then he gets very grouchy.

Now most normal couples would say that the secret to their marriage are things such as love, compassion, understanding, etc. My husband just wants cheese and pretzels at his disposal

zoo trip

Christian Rock and the Country Club

The kids had a vacation bible school camp from 9-11 each morning and then swim lessons. So they were given a CD with christian music on it and of COURSE they want to play it in the car and sing along to all the jesus songs. oh my! Can't you picture it. We were cruising down the road with the two 5 year old gleefully singing about jesus.

It was our last week of swim lessons too. We have had lessons every day for 6 weeks. The funny part of the story is that the lessons are not until 11. So Will who is 2.5 years old is hungry and over stimulated by swimming in the baby pool while the other two are in lessons. So after lessons I let them all swim a bit longer. Inevitably William starts losing his cool and is an asshole in the pool to all the other kids. Stuff like screaming in their faces "DON'T LOOK AT ME!!!!" It is fabulous. I try to reprimand him while all these country club mom just stare at me. I hate it!!! I have started calling William two names.....one is "the asshole of Lagrange Country Club" and the other one is the Country Club Bully. Here is his picture. He looks cute but don't say I did not warn you.

Just another day in paradise around here!

Today when I applied suntan lotion to my 5 year old daughter I explained how sunscreen blocks the sun's rays and therefore stops you from getting wrinkles when you are older. She said, "Oh you mean like on your face???"

I used to be a successful career woman who made tons of money and had no guilt spending money on high thread count sheets and great clothes. Now I find my "fashion" on the racks at Target while pushing three kids in a shopping cart. I will have my day once again. Except that by the time I get "my day" I will be too old and too tired to go shopping. I had a late start with my kids.....age 37 with the kids and age 40 with my son. Better late then never right? Now I say, "better late then pregnant!"

mom's Dark Days

Okay, I officially know that I am not going to enjoy being a soccer mom.

I had to take the kids to soccer today alone because Jack was out of town at a golf outing. Within minutes of
"starting" to play this is what I heard:

I am thirsty
I am hot
I want a snack
It is too SUNNY
I want to go home
I want to play on the playground
When is soccer over??
she is not sharing the ball with me
I want THAT soccer ball not mine
When is soccer OVER!!!???
He is not sharing the ball with me!!!!

Finally in a rage I pulled them out of there. All of a sudden they were crying about leaving. so infuriating.

My son is definitely not going to be an athlete but he sure loves his TV.